When Sex and the City first hit our screens, it rewrote the rulebook on how women talk about sex, friendship and love. Now, as the hit reboot And Just Like That returns on May 29th, Carrie Bradshaw is facing the one chapter she never imagined: widowhood. But as it turns out, she’s not alone and real-life widows and widowers are proving that life after loss can still be full of passion, desire, and yes, even sex.
A new survey by dating platform WidowsFire has blown the lid off what really happens after you lose the love of your life and it’s not what most people expect.
The study surveyed its community of nearly 15,000 widows and widowers. Despite being with their late partners for decades, with more than half (55%) saying they were together for over 20 years, widows and widowers aren’t giving up on intimacy. In fact, many say their desire returned quicker than they ever imagined, with one in three (33%) admitting to feeling sexual urges within just three months of their partner’s death. Another 28% said those feelings returned within 3 to 12 months.
While many reported their libido returning early on, acting on those feelings is another story. A staggering 62 per cent waited over a year before having sex again, with many admitting they struggled with guilt, as though they were betraying their late partner (43%), fear of emotional vulnerability (37%) and judgement from others (33%).
Just 3% acted on their desires within one month, 10% within one to three months, 8% within three to five months, and 18% within six to twelve months.
Even more surprising is the phenomenon known as “Widow’s Fire” – a term used to describe a sudden and intense surge in sexual desire after losing a partner. More than 40 per cent said their libido actually increased after bereavement, with many admitting they were shocked by the intensity of the feelings and urges that followed grief. Around 15% said they became more adventurous in the bedroom, while 21% stepped out of their comfort zone more gradually.
And it’s not all physical. What many miss most isn’t just sex, it’s the touch, the emotional intimacy, the simple joy of kissing, flirting, or feeling close to someone again. Nearly nine in ten (88%) said they longed for emotional connection, 73% missed touch, and 60 per cent missed kissing more than anything else.
Some also found that thoughts of their late spouse surfaced during new experiences. Eight per cent fantasised about their late spouse while with someone new but admitted finding it confusing.
Founder of WidowsFire, Nicky Wake, knows this story all too well. She lost her own husband before creating the platform. Speaking about the new research, she said: “For too long, widows and widowers have been expected to mourn in silence, as though their desire for love and intimacy should be buried with their partner. But just like Carrie learned to love again, so can we. We deserve happiness, companionship, and yes, even great sex.”
– Gemma Eccleston
